Crossroads

So...it's odd that this starts so close to the end.  The end of what?  My sanity?  Life as I know it?  The only time in my life that I've felt alive?  I wish I knew the answer to that question, because if I knew what was ending, I could face it head on and come to terms with what I had left, or what I'd left behind. 

I have a feeling that over the next however long I'm going to be writing my thoughts here, its main function is going to be that of plugging the wound in my heart.  The inevitable wound that's been in creation for a while now, and gets a little more jagged by the day.  I'm hurting everyone around me at the moment.  I'm confusing them.  I'm causing them huge emotional wear and tear.  I'm being a disappointment, an imposition, a weak and indecisive manipulator.  I know that I started out as a good person.  I was proud that I was generous, caring and loyal, and always did what was morally right.  I fell so far from that point and I seem to be still falling. 

The bare facts:  I'm a cheat.  I'm abusing the trust of two people who have a right to expect more from me.  One - a good, solid, dependable man.  He loves me in a bland fashion but is satisfied with life and doesn't have high expectations, which makes him happy with his lot.  It got off to a bad start with him but I stayed out of misguided determination.  There is no passion.
The other - without question, the love of my life.  The one who opened me up to the possibility that there is so much more to life than I ever knew.  The one with whom I have experienced so much in such a short while, that I don't know how I could go back to the half life I was living before him.  Every single thing about him brings light into my life. 

I hate what I've done to both of them.  I hate how things seem to be falling apart with the one I want to be with, because of the existance of the one I don't. 

I can't actually do any more right now.  Everything is changing from hour to hour.  Tonight is bad.  I'm alone and in a way, there's some relief in that, that I can be momentarily freed from the eternal "on the brink" feeling that thas become my daily companion.  A drink before sleep...just a sip to make me care less.  And then sleep.  If that could only be the end.  That I could wake up tomorrow to a new day in every sense.